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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/24divorce-and-suicide-idea_n_812456.html

The Huffinton Post cited this study suggesting that boys after a divorce are more likely to develop suicidal ideation. That is to say, they will think about dying. While suicidal ideation is not the typical reaction it does happen. And not just with boys, girls are also may develop this type of symptom. More typical reactions from boys and girls, children and teens, are manifestations of discouragement- uncooperativeness, underachievement, and so on.

While it is tempting to discuss childrens reaction to divorce I believe that there is another important implication of the article-what could adults who want to protect their children from the distress of divorce do?

In my practice, I find that many couples coming in for marital therapy make this decision once they are at the brink of divorce. At this point, neither the couple, or therapist, have the luxuary of some time to turn things around. Sadly, working with some couples at the brink often becomes divorce counseling

Just as in physical medicine where a pain, lump, or unusal symptom is best treated sooner than later it is no different for marriages. The sooner a problem in communication, intimacy, shared valuing, chirld rearing, and money issues are "treated" the more likely a marraige can be enriched and the children protected from the discouragement of divorcing and post divorce family life.

One important way a couple can decide if they need some assistance with their marriage isto examine the quality of the marital friendship.

A positive marital friendship can be characterized as one where a couple has a:
* well-developed caring "map" of one's partner
* a willingess to turn toward one's partner
* optimal appreciation of one's partner
* capacity to accept the influence and opinion of one's partner
* a willingness to repair discouraging encounters
* strives to cultivate a shared meaning and purpose
* spends time savoring each other's company

When the characterisitcs fade from a marriage, that marriage can become at best limiting, and at worst, conflicted. Maritial therapy can help restore, refine,and further develop a marrital friendship.

Our children are counting on us.

During a couple session this week, one partner honeslty wondered why they should be the one to make an effort. Being married for some time, I also, have wondered why I should make the effort. I can't imagine anyone in marriage who has not had this thought. And, yet, we all wish for greater loving. Perhaps a quote from a poet can inspire an answer.

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.- W.H. Auden

If love is what we want then we can wait for our partners to give it to us or we can choose to move in loves direction. Russ Harris, the author of "ACT with Love," uses an ancronym that is instructive-LOVE.

L- Letting Go
O- Openinging Up
V- Valuing
E- Engaging

Relationships are wonderful and terrible. When we are in sync with our partners and they with us our lives click along easily and lovingly. As change is a constant, soon we grow out of sync and suddenly we are surrounded by problems. Life can seem terrible. Often during those honeymoon periods we cannot imagine how awful things can become, how difficult the problems can become.
Dan Wile makes the point in his book, “After the honeymoon,” that each relationship has its own unique set of problems that a couple contends with for 20, 30, or 40 years. His advice is for couples to develop a shared non-judgmental attitude about their problems. He finds that as couples meet their problems head on, together, they can come to accept their problems and even find some humor in them.

Relationships are wonderful and terrible. When we are in sync with our partners and they with us our lives click along easily and lovingly. As change is a constant, soon we grow out of sync and suddenly we are surrounded by problems. Life can seem terrible. Often during those honeymoon periods we cannot imagine how awful things can become, how difficult the problems can become.

Dan Wile makes the point in his book, “After the honeymoon,” that each relationship has its own unique set of problems that a couple contends with for 20, 30, or 40 years. His advice is for couples to develop a shared non-judgmental attitude about their problems. He finds that as couples meet their problems head on, together, they can come to accept their problems and even find some humor in them.
Of course, this is easier said than done. As someone who has been married for several decades this is no easy task. We all seem to suffer from the delusion that our love should elevate us high above the stresses and problems of everyday living. We also assume that our partners will solve our problems not make new ones. We seem to forget that our problems change just like the weather. Sometimes our problems with our partners are as easy as summer day, full of possibility like the spring, as cold as deepest winter. Constantly changing and always not changing.

Wile suggests that couples learn to blend their problems into their marriage. That is to say, they can talk about their views of problems, their feelings about the problems, and their hopes for resolving problems. Wile goes further than most couples want to go when he encourages couples not to take the view that we already talked about it, but to come back to the problem again and again in the spirit of caring and cooperation.