Positive Psychology in Action:

Approaching Shadows

2010-09-06T13:00:29Z

I came across this story in the Parabola newsletter: Fan Ho, “Approaching Shadow," 1954 I try to set a time each evening to sit quietly for five or ten minutes and try to be aware of this body. I don’t need to do anything except observe what is taking place. I see that I give in to my resistances all too easily. Before I approach my meditation, I can say to my body that, “if you allow me to do this, I will let you surf the internet for an hour as a reward.” This inner bargaining can be extremely useful. And above all else, I try to remember to be kind with myself, especially the parts that remain interested in this effort. There's an old native story that illustrates out human predicament beautifully. It goes like this: The grandfather looked at his young granddaughter thoughtfully. Something in the beloved child of his child was developing there and so he spoke to her as follows: “Inside me, there are two wolves and these two wolves fight each other constantly. One of the wolves is aggressive, nervous and filled with a wish to succeed. The other wolf is different. He wishes for more understanding. Both wolves want fulfillment. The first wolf dreams that this could result in more prestige in the eyes of others but the other wolf believes that fulfillment may be found through the path of understanding.” The grandfather observed that his granddaughter was looking at him anxiously and added “Don’t worry about me alone, for this fight between the two wolves takes place in every one of us existing on this earth. In other people, the first wolf may have a variety of characteristics but the second wolf is, more or less, the same in everyone.” The granddaughter looked thoughtful and was silent for some time and then she said, “Grandfather, which wolf will win the fight in you?” “Well” said her grandfather, “It depends which one I feed.”

So where to go from here?

2010-08-05T18:10:29Z

During a couple session this week, one partner honeslty wondered why they should be the one to make an effort. Being married for some time, I also, have wondered why I should make the effort. I can't imagine anyone in marriage who has not had this thought. And, yet, we all wish for greater loving. Perhaps a quote from a poet can inspire an answer. If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.- W.H. Auden If love is what we want then we can wait for our partners to give it to us or we can choose to move in loves direction. Russ Harris, the author of "ACT with Love," uses an ancronym that is instructive-LOVE. L- Letting Go O- Openinging Up V- Valuing E- Engaging ]]> Letting Go- is the way we can get our inner storyteller to stop talking. As long as the storyteller is telling a useless story, a story where our partners are responsible for the lacks of our relationship we are not free to edit the story and make it more useful and fulfilling. Opening Up- is that place when the storyteller is silent and we accept the lacks in our relationship, and ourselves. We accept the lacks when we make room for those painful feelings we have been avoiding. We avoid feeling uncared for, being insignificant, feeling alone, and so on. However, when we embrace these feelings as our own we are free to move the relationship in a direction of our choice. An added bouns is that we are playing the waiting game. Valuing- once we acknowledge and accept our feelings we can reflect on what values our feelings are pointing. Most us in a committed relationship are striving toward greater connection, caring, and contribution. If these values are freely chosen then we can strive to move closer to them regardless on what is happening in relationship. We can act in a connected, caring, and contributing way even if we feels disconnected or angry at our partner. Most importantly we can choose to sustain our efforts in living these values. Engaging- refers to our being really present to our partner. we are there in the present with interest and willingness. It is the opposite of turning away, dismissing, and avoiding our partner. Engaging is creating a space to be genuinely appreciative of our partner instead of depreciating them. LOVE is more then a acronym. It is a way of preparing ourselves for the "work" of being in a committed relationship..It is a way of cultivating the marriage we desire.

The Road to Resilience

2010-08-05T18:03:44Z

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx

Jeff Bezos: What matters more than your talents

2010-08-05T17:43:18Z

Is anger and aggression instinictual?

2010-07-23T16:02:05Z

Psychologists and psychiatrist have asserted for many years that anger and aggression are part of our biological heritage. As such, the expression of anger and aggression is accepted as part of human behavior. Some writers conclude that anger and aggression are simply evolutionary adaptions for self-preservation. On the face of it such assertions seem true. However, there have been psychologists and psychiatrists who have questioned the exclusive focus on anger and aggression as adaptive. It is also possible to view nurturing and cooperation as just important, if not, more important to species preservation. Early humans had to cooperate to pull off a successful hunt against larger animals such as mastadons. To cooridante such hunting early humans had to communicate with each other effectively, they had to figure out how to prepare and distruibut the fruit of a hunt to the tribe, they had to cooperate in caring for wonded comrades, collaborate in making the tools needed for the next hunt. In short, humanity survived and flourished because of our ability to cooperate and contribute to each other's benefit. What if psycholoigsts and psychiatrists sought not to treat anger and aggression but facilitate cooperation and contribution?]]> While Alfred Adler proposed such a psychology a hundred years ago, contemporary behavioral psychologists are tackling the anger and aggression issue from this perspective. Behavioral Psycholoigst, Stephen Hayes, has designed a treatment approach that he calls Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In this model, people are advised to: 1. Accept their thoughts, feelings, symptoms, and circumstances as they are without a sense of changing them through "force." 2. Choose directions consistent with values that are freely chosen 3. Take commited and sustained efforts to live those values despite ones, thoughts, feelings, symptoms, and circumstances, In future posts, I will explore how Hayes and his colleagues are using ACT to address a variety of metnal health issues, including anger and aggression.

The feeling of coummunity

2010-07-23T15:37:09Z

The Ascent of Man]]> "It is only when both the Struggle for Life and The Struggle for the Life of Others are kept in view, that any scientific theory of Evolution is possible. The first, the Struggle for Life, is throughout , the Self-Regarding function; the second, the Other-Regarding fucntion, The first, lower in Nature, obeying the law of self-preservation, devotes its energies to feed itself; the other, obeying the law of species-preservation, to feed its yong. While the first develops the active virtues of strength and courage, the other lays the basis for the passive, sympathy, and love. In the latter world one seeks to endin personal aggrandizement, the other in ministration. One begts competition, self-assertion, war; the other other unselfishness, self-effacement, peace. One is Individualism, the other Altruism."- Drummond, (The Ascent of Man-18-19)

quote from Oscar Wilde

2010-07-23T15:11:39Z

After reading the morning paper and exercising to the "news" on cable tv I was feeling quite discouraged. Serendipity then smiled on me and I found a quote that was encouraging: We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars- Oscar Wilde The "news" makes it seem that there is no star light out there. Nothing to strive for except what we can see at the tip of our noses. However, it might be that a glance at the vastness of the universe can humble us and encourage us to see ourselves as part of a larger drama and get busy creating a community worthy of that vastness.

quote from Leo Buscaglia

2010-07-17T14:33:10Z

The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt. - Leo Buscaglia

Materialism and Well-Being

2010-07-03T17:44:39Z

Each day we are flooded with cultural messages and images from TV, the internet, advertisements, our friends and families that the pursuit of possessions, status, wealth, beauty, health, and credentials are the path to a meaningful life. A recent TV ad makes the point as it shows a variety of seemingly successful people trying to explain their purchase of a luxurious but useless item. The ad diminishes these purchases and justifies spending considerable income on a luxury car! I guess the writes of the ad didn’t see the irony of their message. The late comedian, George Carlin, once described the satisfaction one gets from acquiring lots of stuff as equivalent to being hungry and taping sandwiches to different parts of your body. So, if the acquiring of material possessions does not make us genuinely happier why do we strive so hard…and feel so worthless when we can’t acquire possessions. There is the all too human tendency to feel inferior when we feel we do not belong. If the cultural messages tell us that everyone is striving to acquire some possession or experience we feel left out if we are also not striving in the same direction as the rest of the herd. This feeling of being left out can be considered a feeling of inferiority. If we feel inferior we will naturally want to move in the opposite direction-superiority. In this case, striving for superiority through acquiring some object of desire (what others have said is desirable) enhances our feelings of belonging. What we soon discover is that we are stuck on what has been called the “hedonic treadmill.” The more we acquire the still more we have to strive for in order to maintain our fictional sense of superiority. By avoiding the natural feelings of inferiority and choosing a fictional striving to minimize our recognition of limitations we enhance of lack of self-knowledge, our feeling of belonging, and disconnect from our own sense of what is important for other people’s views. We begin to live our life in fear of feeling inferior and not belonging to the larger human community. Our materialistic strivings diminish our sense of well-being and misdirects our creative power. How do we get off this hedonic treadmill? One solution is implied in the commercial I mention previously. Although their conclusion may be mistaken, in that the substituted one material possession for another, the writes did initially encourage us viewers to consider why we were making such purchases to begin with. It is not that we need to give up all material strivings we do need to have our purchases serve our valuing. Perhaps we need to spend more time wondering what it is we value and how we can move in that direction and leave those cultural messages behind unless they are in sync with our valuing.

A quote by George Eliot

2010-07-03T16:56:40Z

It is never too late to be what we might have been.-George Eliot

If your teen is headed for summer school 2

2010-07-03T16:42:10Z

In my last entry we looked at some of the mistakes that occur that lead to summer school. We also pointed to encouragement as not only a solution to future discouragement but also the way to raise capable, responsible, cooperative, and contributing people. Here are some ways to provide encouragement from the book, Living with teens and surviving: 1. Avoid disocuraging words and actions. 2. Show trust and have faith. 3. Keep in mind that mistakes are opportunities to learn. 4. Strive for improvement 5. Build on strengths. 6. Be consistent in making agreements and providing logical consequences 7. Avoid punishment. 8. Be respectful and interested. 9. Provide affection and nurturing even when frustrated and discouraged yourself. 10. Let your teen do things on their own.

If your teen is headed for summer school

2010-07-03T16:39:37Z

This is a time of year of celebration for many teenagers and their families. These teenagers were able to cooperate and contribute enough to their education that their own and their family’s summer is free of discouragement. For other families whose children were too mistaken in attitude and behavior to cooperate and contribute to their education it is a time of frustration and discouragement. These kids are headed for summer school. I am seeing this discouragement in my office and in my personal life. What is disturbing to me is what kids and their parents are taking away from this mistake. Some blame the teachers. Some blame their teen. Some go deeper into their mistaken ways by concluding school, other people, or life itself is against them. Some parents, and the extended families, can be quite discouraging and even abusive in their reactions to the news of summer school. What strikes me is that the mistaken attitude and behavior were likely occurring all year long. If anything the parents, the family, the school, and society are all co-responsible for a teens going to summer school. Sure, the teen did not commit or sustain their effort. It is also true that parents may not have consistently encouraged their teen or use logical consequences for broken agreements. Certainly many teachers and schools lack the resources to provide the guidance that teens need to avoid the natural consequences of their evolving sense of responsibility (a result of growing and limited brain functioning and undeveloped life values). I will also hold society itself accountable for not making learning, education, or adolescence a national priority. If we the community, as parents, educators, citizens, value the next generation our goal is to raise capable, responsible, cooperative, and contributing persons. We can accomplish this goal not by using mistaken words and actions that only deepen everyone’s discouragement and emotional suffering, but by providing the encouragement-the courage- for our teens to face the tasks of life with a sense of belonging, being valued, and resiliency. I will explore some ways of providing encouragement to teens in my next entry.

a quote from Paul Newman

2010-07-03T15:59:35Z

In an interview, Paul Newman told a reporter: "We are such spendthrifts with our lives. The trick to living is to slip on and off the planet with the least fuss you can muster. I'm not running for sainthood. I just happen to think that in life we need to be a little like the farmer, who puts back into the soil what he takes out."

Maria Montessori

2010-06-20T13:07:31Z

The world was not created for us to enjoy but we are created in order to evolve the cosmos." — Maria Montessori, "Education for a New World"

Aimee Mullins: TED talk on the Opportunity of Adversity

2010-06-19T15:52:35Z