Adolescence is a time in our life span that is full of changes. Our bodies, hormones, intellectual abilities, emotional development, social competence, sexual awareness, and moral reasoning are in a state of change. While these internal changes are occurring we are also trying to form a sense of identity and our place in the larger "adult" world. Broadly speaking, the ages of adolescence are said to range from the age of 13 thru 24.

Due to the complexities of modern life many young people remain with their families well beyond what has traditionally been expected. Yet, adolescence is also a time when adults have less and less to do with teens. Some researchers report that that some young people are spending less than 20 minutes a day in quality conversations with adults. The challenge for young people is enromous. They must adjust to an increasing complicated world with insufficent adult enocuragement and guidance.

As young people become discouraged they begin to form the impression that the normal tasks of social living are too difficult. With caring and encouraging adults to guide them young people can develop a style of living that is courageous and creative. They find thier place in the world and make thier unique contribution to the community. Without such adults young people are left to navigate a increasing complex global society without the preparation to develop a creative style of living.

Over the years, mental health and other professionals have developed a problem centered view of young people. This view labels young people n various ways: learning disabled, attention deficit disorder, drug user, underachiever, emotionally disturbed, and so on. Such categorizing young people can be useful in getting kids into some sort of treatment. However, a young person already discourged about their appearances, abilities, social standing, and psychological maturity may not find this process ideal.

One of the reasons that I treat teens and adults with ADD/ADHD is that I struggled with the disorder when I was young. Unfortunately, back in the old days the terms ADD/ADHD, Learning Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorder, and so on did not exist. Other terms such as not trying hard enough, lazy or even stupid were used. Many kids simply gave up on their educations and themselves.

What has changed since the early 70's is that we have new tools better help kids who are struggling with their learning and behavior. Special Education, counseling, medication, accomodations and even personal coaching can all make a significant contribution to academic and life success. ADD does not have to be a life sentence of frustration and failure.

Despite the tools that are available kids and families come to my office feeling the same frustration and discouragement that I once experienced. The tools that are available seem to have a modest impact on academic difficulty and conflict in the family. In fact, the tools that we now use may make these kids (and families) feel even more discouraged resulting in a style of living that avoids facing the tasks of life.

The core organizing symtptom for this condition is inattention.As I consider my own difficulties in childhood and adulthood inattention does sum things up nicely. Whether it goes by the name of distractability, procrastination, forgetfulness, failing to finish what was started, or avoiding required activities it is inattention to what needs to be done that get ADDers in trouble.

Sure everyone has occassional problem with attention. For ADDers the inattention radiates in many directions in life. Yes, they may be able to talk on the phone for hours, play a computer game for the entire weekend, or cultivate some unique interest but given a task that does not motivate them they are fused to inacitivty.

Let's take a brief look at the life of PAUL ORFALEA, as he describes it in his book COPY THIS. Mr. Orfalea struggled with the symptoms of ADHD. he had the same difficulties that you or your son or your daughter are having.

Mr. Orfalea had something inside him that made him choose to overcome his difficutlties. He had what Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud, called Social Interest. Social Interest is an innate potential in all human beings. It allows us to see other people and their happiness as vital to our own happiness.

Mr. Orfalea opened a small copying business in an 8 x 12 foot store front. He now has 1200 stores earning 2 billion dollars a year! Orffalea story is a wonderful example of what someone can do with sufficeint motivation to overcome their difficulties

Writing in the May, 18 th issue of the New Yorker, Jonah Lehrer discusses the experiments of the psychologist Walter Mischel. Michel sat young children down in front of a bowl of marshmalllows, cookies, and pretzels. He told them that he would be leaving the room. If they rang a bell he would come running back and they could have one treat. However, if they waited for him to return they could have two treats. The majority of the children could not wait. They ate the treats before Mischel returned, rang the bell forfeiting the extra treat, and some ate everything in the bowl. The minority who waited got their two treats. Mischel and his students have followed these children for the past 30 years. The majority of children who could not wait had poorer educational and behavioral outcomes (trouble in school, lower SAT scores) when compared to those children who could delay their gratification. Mischel's reasearch supports the idea that self-control is more significant for a well lived life than is IQ.

Family Meetings re-establish parents as the experts in their teen’s life. Through family meetings parents and teens learn to deepen the family bonds, instill values, resolve problems, negotiate disagreements, set goals, celebrate accomplishments, and create family rituals.

The majority of families just don’t make, or don’t have the time to meet. Trying to come with a time that all family members can be present is almost impossible. Who has soccer, dance, band practice, overtime at work, doctors appointments, chores make setting a time daunting. In my practice, parents are incredulous at my suggestion at creating a family meeting. Yet, nod their heads knowingly when I ask if their company can forego all meetings because everyone is busy.

Family Meetings do not have to be an ordeal. They do, however, need to occur regularly. Once a week, twice a month, or once a month are all workable solutions. Favorite meals, movies, extra time added to curfew can all be used as incentives to encourage your teen to join in. When you first introduce the family meeting idea to your kids it may be best to try four to six consecutive meetings. This will allow the idea to grab hold.

Parents may pick the day and time and post an agenda for the meeting. All family members may contribute to the agenda, but it is the parents who make sure the meeting takes place and that the agenda is followed.

Meetings should be brief, 10 to 20 minutes. As the family begins to value these meetings the agenda can determine their length.

What can be included in the family agenda?
1. Assign chores.
2. Acknowledge efforts and accomplishments.
3. Share goals for the coming week.
4. Create family rules.
5. Request changes in family rules.
6. Share upcoming events in each member’s life.
7. Share difficulties.
8. Distribute allowance or privileges.
9. Plan family activities.
10. Discuss each member’s goals and values.
11. Negotiate solutions.
12. Apologize for mistakes.
13. Have teens choose consequences for mistakes.
14. Have teens choose incentives for efforts
15. Treat mistakes as opportunities for learning and forgiveness.

This is a time of year of celebration for many teenagers and their families. These teenagers were able to cooperate and contribute enough to their education that their own and their family’s summer is free of discouragement. For other families whose children were too mistaken in attitude and behavior to cooperate and contribute to their education it is a time of frustration and discouragement. These kids are headed for summer school.

I am seeing this discouragement in my office and in my personal life. What is disturbing to me is what kids and their parents are taking away from this mistake. Some blame the teachers. Some blame their teen. Some go deeper into their mistaken ways by concluding school, other people, or life itself is against them. Some parents, and the extended families, can be quite discouraging and even abusive in their reactions to the news of summer school.

What strikes me is that the mistaken attitude and behavior were likely occurring all year long. If anything the parents, the family, the school, and society are all co-responsible for a teens going to summer school. Sure, the teen did not commit or sustain their effort. It is also true that parents may not have consistently encouraged their teen or use logical consequences for broken agreements. Certainly many teachers and schools lack the resources to provide the guidance that teens need to avoid the natural consequences of their evolving sense of responsibility (a result of growing and limited brain functioning and undeveloped life values). I will also hold society itself accountable for not making learning, education, or adolescence a national priority.

If we the community, as parents, educators, citizens, value the next generation our goal is to raise capable, responsible, cooperative, and contributing persons. We can accomplish this goal not by using mistaken words and actions that only deepen everyone’s discouragement and emotional suffering, but by providing the encouragement-the courage- for our teens to face the tasks of life with a sense of belonging, being valued, and resiliency. I will explore some ways of providing encouragement to teens in my next entry.

In my last entry we looked at some of the mistakes that occur that lead to summer school. We also pointed to encouragement as not only a solution to future discouragement but also the way to raise capable, responsible, cooperative, and contributing people.

Here are some ways to provide encouragement from the book, Living with teens and surviving:

1. Avoid disocuraging words and actions.
2. Show trust and have faith.
3. Keep in mind that mistakes are opportunities to learn.
4. Strive for improvement
5. Build on strengths.
6. Be consistent in making agreements and providing logical consequences
7. Avoid punishment.
8. Be respectful and interested.
9. Provide affection and nurturing even when frustrated and discouraged yourself.
10. Let your teen do things on their own.